Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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