i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
