Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
