God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I am midnight drunk by noon
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
i now understand why vodka
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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