I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
