Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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