i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Can you bring me the toilet please
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
