i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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