Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
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I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
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