I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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