It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
