We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
