ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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