You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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