My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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