(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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