We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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