You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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