im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
