My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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