what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Randomize
