Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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