good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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