Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
We have started to decorate penises.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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