so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
