I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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