nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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