I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you will always have a special place in my vag
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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