I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
