no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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