Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
