Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
