I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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