Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the day after is always just damage control
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
