i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
