Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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