What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
