my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
