Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
