I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
