I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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