He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
