i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
...so i touched it.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
