The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
