his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
