They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
