So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
