I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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