If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I stole a fireplace last night.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
