theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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