I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You made out with two different species that night
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
