My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
