dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
