I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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